Self-Compassion Sparks Change

Most of my clients have one thing in common – they’re extremely hard on themselves.  

-       They follow lots of “shoulds” - “I should have figured this out by now”, “I should always say yes”

-       They deny their true feelings – “I shouldn’t feel this way. Other people have bigger problems.”

-       When they make a mistake, they feel less than

-       They’re awesome at being empathetic towards others but rarely to themselves

Sound familiar?

A common reason people beat themselves up is to motivate behaviour change.  “Tough love”, pushing through, and punishing yourself works, right?

Wrong.

If you had a harsh teacher or coach, how did their belittling words or tone of voice feel to you? Was their approach supportive or stressful? In the long run, did they energize or deplete you? Did they encourage a can do attitude or suck the fun out of learning?

Compassion is a more effective way of sparking positive change. With compassion, you recognize the pain (of failure for example), examine what can be learned, and try more effective methods.

I had a client – let’s call her Sue, who was struggling with shame about a new mental health diagnosis and her inability to work. She felt weak and guilty about leaving her colleagues short-handed. The more she spiralled in these feelings, the more panicked and ill she became.

 I introduced Sue to self-compassion practices such as RAIN.

Little by little, she began to catch how she was speaking to herself.

She connected with how others might feel in her situation, and this helped to feel less alone.

Self-compassion allowed Sue to accept that she was exactly where she needed to be to fully see the unhelpful patterns that led her to burnout.

She started a new routine, doing activities that created joy like cooking and hiking.

Gradually, Sue successfully returned to full-time work.

She now feels confident she can handle challenges rather than over-react.

For the first time in her life, Sue is clearer on what she needs and knows how to ask for it at work and in her personal relationships.

What could more self-compassion mean for you? Check out our Self-Compassion Series starting October 23, 2022, to learn how to be a better friend to yourself so you can live with greater ease and resilience.